storytime

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When my son Tommy was three, he had this thing where he'd repeat conversations he overheard, but he'd mix up the details in the most innocent yet horrifying ways possible. I thought it was cute until it wasn't.

My sister had been going through a really messy divorce. Her husband had been cheating, and she'd been staying with us while the lawyers sorted everything out. She was devastated, crying every night, and I was trying my best to support her through it.

One evening after Tommy was supposedly asleep, my sister broke down completely. "I can't believe he chose that twenty-two-year-old over me," she sobbed. "Fifteen years of marriage, and he throws it all away for some girl barely out of college. I feel so old and ugly."

I hugged her and said, "Sarah, you're beautiful. He's an idiot. Any man would be lucky to have you."

"I just want to feel attractive again," she cried. "I haven't felt desired in years. Maybe I should try dating apps or something."

"You'll find someone amazing," I assured her. "You deserve so much better than Dave."

Tommy was playing quietly in the corner the next morning with his toy cars, and I thought he hadn't heard any of it. Wrong.

The following week, we were at the grocery store checkout. The cashier was this sweet older gentleman, probably in his sixties, who always made small talk with Tommy. He had kind eyes and always gave Tommy stickers. He was ringing up our groceries when he smiled at Tommy and said, "How's my little buddy today?"

Tommy looked up at him with those big innocent eyes and said, "My Aunt Sarah wants a boyfriend!"

I laughed nervously. "Kids, right?"

But Tommy wasn't done. He continued loudly, "She says she wants to feel attractive again because Uncle Dave left her for a twenty-two-year-old!"

The cashier looked uncomfortable, but Tommy kept going, his voice getting louder with excitement: "Mommy says any man would be lucky to have her! Do you want to be her boyfriend? She cries every night and wants to try dating apps!"

By now, the entire checkout line behind us was listening. The cashier's face was bright red, and I wanted to disappear into the floor. An elderly woman behind me was trying not to laugh.

Tommy then turned to the woman behind us in line and announced, "My Aunt Sarah is very beautiful and available! She's staying at our house if you know any nice men! She makes really good cookies and she's not old like Uncle Dave said!"

The woman smiled awkwardly and pretended to be very interested in her phone. I could hear someone behind her whisper, "Poor thing."

But the absolute worst part came when we were walking to the car. Tommy saw a man loading groceries into his truck and ran up to him before I could stop him.

"Excuse me, mister!" Tommy called out. "Do you want to date my Aunt Sarah? She's really sad and needs a new husband because her old one liked younger ladies better!"

The man looked at me like I had trained my three-year-old to be a wingman for my sister. I grabbed Tommy's hand and practically sprinted to our car while he kept shouting, "She's really pretty and she makes good cookies and she deserves better than Uncle Dave!"