Jurassic Park Song | The Bear, The Tiger… | Whitney Avalon

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#LauraDern has been an icon since the first #JurassicPark movie – and if it had been a #musical, here’s what her character might have sung. No one expected this combo of a 1989 off-Broadway show and a 1993 film!

** CREDITS **
Producer, Director, New Lyrics, Dr. Ellie Sattler: Whitney Avalon
, ,

Dr. Ian Malcolm: Luke Persiani
John Hammond: Andy Roberts

Orchestrator*, Music Producer: Cristián R. Villagra
Cinematographer: Merlin Showalter
Art Director: Kim Brunner
Hair, Make-Up Artist: Kayle Williams
Key Grip: Billy Brenner
Executive Assistant: Caroline Sharp
Recording Engineer: Dirty Hollywood
Assistant Editor: Kate West
Music Mix, Master: Ed Boyer
Colorist: Ryan K McNeal
Associate Producer: We Make Movies Inc
*Based on the original by Maltby & Shire

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I hope if you enjoy the comedy combination (known character + unexpected musical twist) of my Princess Rap Battle videos, you’ll also enjoy it in a parody like this one!

Press/licensing/business: contactwhitneyavalon@gmail.com

** LYRICS **

It ought to be me really going
Why?
Well, I’m a… and you’re, um, a…

All right, that’s it
That’s the one that does it
I’ve had it with that song and dance
A man must ‘this’ and a woman must ‘that’
And humanity won’t stand a chance
I’m sorry to shout
But I’m up to here
With the bias, condescension, and smirks
For I – thank “God” – am a scientist
And I know how life really works

It, uh, finds a way

Like a soul possessed
I have studied and assessed
The history of this earth
From mastodon to eel
What my studies most reveal
Is the male’s inflated worth
For in most of the animal kingdom
The ladies only seldom need men
Their dealings are straight they meet them to mate
And never see them again

The bear, the tiger, the rhino, and the mole
Have females who live fruitful lives outside of male control
It’s cute how you think I’ll sit and take a passive role
Instead I’m like the tiger, bear, and rhino

In a field or brook
Almost anywhere you look
Are females on their own
In the deep, on high
They will promptly wave goodbye
And protect the nest alone
Now I cannot speak for the mantis
Who decapitates her mate during sex
But I do like the auk who mates with a squawk
And then throws rocks at her ‘ex’

The bitch, the vixen, the queen bee, and the shrew
What men have done to those fine words we never can undo
They’re strong fearless heroes – like how I’m now saving you
Let’s redefine the shrew, the bitch and vixen

And be like the seagull
Roam free as the lynx
And cruise like the caribous if we choose

Not have to endure all those sly little winks
From a cynic who envies the sex life of minks
And not have to guess if he’s one of the finks
Or whether he drinks
Or whether he stinks
Or what he thinks
Of me

We will find my man
I’m the only one who can
So let go of your doubt
My brilliant lad
He’d be a stellar dad
But we’ll see how things work out
I swear I envy the oyster
Who lives a happy life on the shelf
When she wants a term she releases some sperm
And fertilizes herself

The hare, the condor, the guppy and the bream
They’re all out there doing what humans only dream
So don’t undervalue my importance to this team
Your sexism’s masked as weird concern
We’ll talk about this when I return
Take heed of the tiger and the fern
And raptor
And bear
And me!

** THANKS FOR WATCHING! :) **

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