Hex Me Not (The Allen Key Blues) - West Coast AI (Rock)

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“Hex Me Not (The Allen Key Blues)” is a tongue-in-cheek rock anthem about one of the most frustrating tools ever made. While hex screws are great and hex bits are even better, the humble Allen key takes the blame for countless stripped bolts, sore wrists, and broken spirits. With swagger, sarcasm, and a healthy dose of noise, the song champions smarter tools — and says goodbye to that cursed little L forever.

Lyrics:

Verse:
I bought a shelf on Friday night
Flat-packed dreams in cardboard tight
But hiding there like Satan’s seed
Was that cursed tool I didn’t need

Pre-Chorus:
They say it’s “simple,” “ergonomic,” “neat”
But it slips and strips and murders my seat
I’d rather wrestle with a live raccoon
Than spin that L-shaped hex harpoon

Chorus:
Hex me not, I ain’t your fool!
Don’t need no twisted torture tool
Just give me bits on a power head
Not this tiny wrench that makes me dead

Screw your Allen keys!
(Yeah I said it loud!)
They’re for masochists and hipster crowds
Hex me not, I’ve got the wits—
To use a driver with proper bits!

Verse:
They come in metric, come in inch
Lose one and you’re in a pinch
Six sides of sadness, cold and grey
It’s IKEA’s favorite foreplay

Pre-Chorus:
You turn and turn, it just won’t bite
And God forbid if it’s too tight
I’m down on my knees like I’m summoning doom
Just to build a stool for my living room

Chorus:
Hex me not, I’m done with pain!
This ain’t a puzzle, it’s a rage campaign
When I could just slip in a bit
And drive that screw in one smooth hit

Allen keys?
(No thanks, I’m free)
From your fiddly, slippery tyranny
Hex me not, I’m taking charge—
With a cordless drill and a socket large!

Bridge:
Oh sure… “But they’re compact!”
Yeah, so is a landmine
“But Allen keys are universal!”
So is disappointment
“They’re simple to use!”
If you’re an octopus with infinite patience
“They don’t need electricity.”
Neither does medieval torture
“You can store ’em in a drawer!”
Right next to my regrets
“They come free with furniture!”
Yeah, like a slap in the face comes free with bad service
“Some people prefer the control.”
And some people churn butter by hand — doesn’t mean it’s smart
There’s a better way, folks
It’s called modern engineering
And it sure as hell doesn’t come shaped like a bent metal mistake

Chorus:
Hex me not, I’ve seen the light!
I won’t be twisted left and right
No more stripping screws like an amateur clown
When I’ve got hex bits that mean throwdown

Farewell, you cursed L of doom—
You’ll find your grave in my junk drawer tomb
Hex me not, your reign is done—
’Cause the age of the bit has just begun!

Outro:
(No more keys! Just the bits!)
Come on!
(No more keys! Just the bits!)
(Hex)
Hex me not!
(Hex)
Hex me not!
Screw you, Allen!

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