Pre-coital Agreement (Consent), A Bit of Fry and Laurie [4 Season 7 Episode aired 02.04.95]

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Right, Richard, are you going to start?
Probably better if I start, Nick, yes. Thrash out the position in broad terms, so we all know where we stand.
That's got to be the right course, Richard. Got to be.
I think so, Nick, I really do.
Go you on ahead.
Position is that my client wishes, in very broad terms ...
Broad terms?
At this stage broad terms, yes, we can talk specifics later, my client wishes to engage in a protracted bout of sexual intercourse with your client.
Can I chip in here, Richard?
Chip in, chip in ...
Might save us a lot of time if I just say that my client is willing to consider your client's position in a favourable light, as long as we can thrash out some of the nitty-gritty.
Oh, that's good news.
So, shall we pencil a meeting, Richard, or ...
We could pencil a meeting, certainly, Nick, but I should say that my client is anxious to expedite matters and bring them to a speedy conclusion if at all possible.
How speedy, Richard?
My client was thinking along the lines of the next half-hour, Nick. I don't know how that sounds ...
Ah.
My client, Richard, would like it clearly understood that she's not easy.
My client clearly understands that your client is not easy, Nick, in fact he wishes me to stress that he has an enormous respect for your client in a variety of personal, non-sexual ways.
My client is reassured by your client's position, and would like to know how your client intends to proceed.
My client was thinking in general terms of dinner at the Bombay Brasserie, after which, at some mutually agreeable time, he would place his tongue inside your client's mouth and move it around slightly.
That is broadly acceptable to my client.
My client then suggests putting one of his hands up your client's skirt and having a bit of a feel.
Which hand, Richard?
My client hasn't yet decided which hand ...
Well perhaps you could fax us with that ...
Certainly, that's no bother ... "Fax Nick ... Which ... hand ... up ... skirt ..."
I should say that after your client has put his hand up my client's skirt, my client reserves the right to moan slightly.
I don't see a problem there ...?
No, that's fine.
At this point, my client will suggest that your client drives my client back to your client's flat, where your client will play some James Taylor.
My client doesn't have any James Taylor at the moment, and wonders whether Art Garfunkel would be acceptable?
Ah. My client insists that Art Garfunkel is definitely not acceptable, but would be prepared to consider Tom Waits.
Excellent. Moving on, my client would now like to insert... Would now like to insert a clause allowing him to spill wine on your client's blouse and to mop it gently with a handkerchief, lightly brushing your client's breasts as he does so.
We feel, in the interests of both parties, that a white wine spritzer should be specified.
A white wine spritzer it is. Now my client is keen to know whether your client can accomodate ...
Yes?
My client is keen to know whether your client can accomodate a circular licking motion around the upper body area at this stage.
Perfectly acceptable. My client will be permitted to gaze at the ceiling and say the words "Oh God" and "Yes."
A move to the bedroom is now indicated.
Indeed, I should point out, however, that my client is keen that this engagement should run along orthodox lines from hereon in.
Would that preclude the use of salad items?
I'm afraid so.
My client believes in that case that things can be satisfactorily brought to a conclusion in three minutes, after which time ...
My client feels that this would be premature. Ten minutes is more acceptable.
Shall we compromise with six?
Six minutes then. I assume your client will then roll over and turn his back on my client?
My client will most certainly do so. Your client will attempt to hold him and he will behave coldly.
Quite so. My client will feel spurned and shamed as your client refuses to share the afterglow.
My client then plans to sneak into his clothes at five in the morning and go very early to work, leaving no note for your client.
My client will feel immensely rejected and angry at this.
Quite so. My client will pick up the phone once during the afternoon, but fail to go through with calling, after which time he will not be in touch again.
My client will from hereonin refer to your client as "that bastard".
My client will blush and look away if ever he sees your client at a party.
Precisely so. I think that's all satisfactory.
If your client will sign here ...
And yours here ... Excellent.
First-rate.
Bastard.
Marvellous.
Splendid.
Fancy a quick shag?
Oh alright.