What excuse makes your boss go from 'You're fired' to 'Please help me' in under 2 hours?

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I can't come in today. I'm stuck in a tree.

My manager, Derek, snorted through the phone. "What are you, twelve? Martinez, you called in 'sick' last Tuesday because your Netflix was buffering. Now you're stuck in a tree? What's next, your homework ate your dog?" "I'm literally 30 feet up in an oak tree behind the fire station. There's a cat up here, and I can't get down." "Right. And I'm Batman. Martinez, you have exactly two hours to get your ass to work or you're fired. I don't care if you have to swing from vine to vine."

I hung up and looked at the orange tabby clinging to the branch above me. Below, a small crowd had gathered, including two firefighters who were setting up a ladder. "How long you been up there?" called out Mrs. Chen from her porch. "Since 6 AM. Heard this cat crying all night. Thought I'd be a hero." "How's that working out for you?" "About as well as you'd expect."

The first fire truck pulled up as I was trying to figure out if my health insurance covered stupidity-related injuries. Captain Rodriguez stepped out, shaking his head. "Sir, we told you to wait for us. This is exactly why civilians shouldn't attempt rescues." "The cat looked scared." "The cat's been up there for three days. It would've come down when it got hungry enough." "Well, now we're both stuck, so that's progress."

My phone buzzed—Derek again. "Martinez, I'm not playing games. You have exactly one hour to—" "Derek, I need you to do me a favor. Turn on Channel 7 News. They're setting up cameras." "What the hell are you talking about?" "Just turn it on. I'll wait."

The reporter was a young guy with perfectly styled hair, clearly excited about his first big story. "We're here at Maple Street where a good Samaritan attempted to rescue a cat and is now stranded 30 feet up in this oak tree. Fire department is on scene." Derek's voice came back quieter. "Holy shit. That's... that's actually you up there." "Yep. And I'm wearing my work uniform, so thanks for the free advertising."

More news vans arrived. The cat, apparently enjoying the attention, had moved to an even higher branch. "Sir," the reporter called up, "what made you think you could rescue this cat?" "Overconfidence and a severe lack of common sense. Also, I watched a lot of cartoons as a kid." "Any regrets?" "Just that I didn't bring snacks. It's been four hours."

A firefighter with a megaphone approached the base of the tree. "Sir, we're going to need you to stay very still. We're bringing up a harness." "What about the cat?" "The cat has claws and natural climbing ability. You have neither." "Fair point."

Derek called back, his tone completely different now. "Martinez, Jesus Christ, you're on live TV. This is insane." "Tell me about it. I can see my apartment from up here." "Look, take the day off. Hell, take two days. This is incredible publicity for the company." "You want to exploit my tree situation?" "I want to help—and maybe get our logo on the evening news. The reporter keeps mentioning your uniform."

The Channel 12 helicopter arrived, circling overhead. The cat, startled by the noise, finally decided to climb down, passing me on its way to safety. "Are you kidding me?" I yelled. The crowd below erupted in laughter and applause.

Derek was still on the line, laughing hysterically. "Martinez, the cat just abandoned you on live television." "Thanks for the play-by-play, Derek." "Can you mention the company name when they interview you?" "Only if you give me hazard pay for wildlife rescue operations." "Deal."