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My dad was a history professor for 30 years. The man could lecture for hours about the Roman Empire without notes. Then he retired and discovered YouTube. It destroyed his brain in under a year.
It started with innocent comments during TV shows. "This intro is too long," he'd mutter, frantically looking for a remote to skip ahead. Mom and I laughed it off.
I should've seen the warning signs when he started dividing his newspaper into "segments." He'd cut articles apart and arrange them by length, discarding anything over 500 words as "too long-form for today's audience."
Then he began measuring real-life conversations in YouTube time. My sister was telling us about her pregnancy complications, and Dad interrupted with, "Is this a 10-minute story? Because I only have time for a 3-minute story right now."
Things escalated quickly. He started watching cooking videos at 2x speed while making dinner, resulting in half-cooked meals. When Mom complained about undercooked chicken, he suggested she "just watch the rest of the cooking process in her head."
During my cousin's wedding, Dad kept whispering "unnecessary exposition" during the ceremony. When the bride's father got emotional, Dad whispered, "Too much backstory. Get to the vows." The couple's first dance lasted four minutes, and halfway through, Dad stood up and yelled, "We get it! They're in love! Next scene!"
Family dinner became bizarre. He'd randomly announce, "Don't forget to smash that like button," after telling a joke. When nobody laughed, he'd look genuinely confused and ask, "Is the algorithm not pushing my content to you guys?"
His former colleagues were shocked when he returned for a lecture and tried to include a "mid-roll ad" halfway through. He actually stopped talking about Mesopotamian irrigation systems to promote his neighbor's lawn care service.
Shopping with him became impossible. In the grocery store, he'd grab random items, look at them for three seconds, then declare "not worth my time" and move on. He once left a full cart in Costco because "this shopping experience isn't holding my attention."
His doctor became concerned when Dad started rating his symptoms on a scale of "viral to flop." His cholesterol was high, but Dad only cared whether this health update would "perform well with his audience."
The breaking point came at Grandma's funeral. During the eulogy, Dad leaned over and whispered, "Can we skip to the end? I already know she died." Mom nearly had a stroke trying not to scream at him in church.
After the service, he complained there were "too many ads" when the pastor mentioned donations to Grandma's favorite charity. Then he tried to leave a one-star review for the funeral home because there wasn't a "skip intro" button for the viewing.
We tried an intervention when he started putting timestamps in birthday cards. My sister received a card that read: "0:00 Birthday wishes, 0:15 Remember when you were little, 0:45 You're getting older now, 1:30 Love you always."
Last Thanksgiving, he interrupted my cousin's engagement announcement by shouting, "Spoiler alert!" Then looked around expecting everyone to laugh.
When we tried to explain why his behavior was problematic, he'd pretend to click an invisible "Skip" button whenever anyone spoke for more than 30 seconds.
His phone died during my graduation ceremony. He had a complete meltdown, convinced he was missing "important content" while I was actually walking across the stage. He later asked if I could "redo the important parts" so he could record them.
Yesterday was the moment I realized it had gone too far. Mom was in the kitchen chopping onions, crying from the fumes. Dad walked in, saw her tears, and said completely seriously, "Before you continue with your emotional story, I'd like to thank our sponsor, NordVPN."
Mom threw the onion at him