#wgitachi 🥀

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My divorce hearing was supposed to be straightforward. We'd agreed on everything beforehand - custody split, asset division, the works. I thought we'd be in and out in thirty minutes.

My ex-husband Derek had been pretty reasonable during mediation, so I wasn't expecting any drama. Boy, was I wrong.

Everything starts normal. The judge is reviewing our paperwork when Derek suddenly stands up and says, "Your Honor, I need to add something to the record."

My lawyer and I exchange looks. This wasn't part of the plan.

"What would you like to add, Mr. Thompson?" the judge asks.

Derek clears his throat dramatically. "I want it documented that my wife has been hiding assets from this court."

My heart drops. I haven't hidden anything. My lawyer immediately objects, but Derek continues.

"She's been running a secret business out of our home for two years, making thousands of dollars that she never reported."

The judge looks at me. "Mrs. Thompson, do you have a response?"

I'm completely confused. "Your Honor, I have no idea what he's talking about. I work part-time at a dental office. That's my only income."

Derek smirks. "Tell them about your Only Fan account."

The entire courtroom goes silent. The court reporter stops typing. Even the bailiff looks up.

"I'm sorry, what?" the judge says.

"She's been selling inappropriate content online under the name 'DiddyMama2019' and hiding the income."

I'm mortified, but also completely baffled. "Derek, I don't even know what OF is!"

My lawyer leans over and whispers an explanation. My face goes bright red.

The judge looks annoyed. "Mr. Thompson, do you have evidence of this alleged account?"

Derek pulls out his phone triumphantly. "Right here, Your Honor. I have screenshots of everything."

He hands his phone to the bailiff, who brings it to the judge. The judge looks at the screen, then at Derek, then back at the screen.

"Mr. Thompson, this account shows a woman who appears to be in her early twenties with blonde hair. Your wife is clearly in her thirties with brown hair."

Derek's confidence starts to waver. "Well, maybe she... changed her appearance?"

The judge zooms in on the profile. "The location says Miami, Florida. You both live in Ohio. And according to this, the account was created three months ago - after you two separated."

My lawyer is trying not to laugh. I'm still processing that my ex-husband has been following some random woman's account and somehow convinced himself it was me.

The judge continues: "Mr. Thompson, it also says here that this person's name is 'Candy' and she's 22 years old."

Derek is turning red. "Maybe she's lying about her age?"

"Mr. Thompson," the judge says slowly, "are you telling this court that you believe your 34-year-old brunette wife is secretly a 22-year-old blonde named Candy who lives in Miami?"

The courtroom is dead silent except for someone in the back trying to stifle a laugh.

Derek realizes how insane he sounds. "I... well... the timing seemed suspicious..."

The judge sets down the phone. "Mr. Thompson, I'm going to ask you directly: How much time have you been spending on this website?"

Derek's lawyer is frantically trying to get him to stop talking, but Derek keeps digging his hole deeper.

"I was just doing research! For the divorce! I had to make sure she wasn't hiding income!"

"Research that required you to... subscribe to this account?"

Derek goes completely silent.

The judge looks at both lawyers. "I'm going to take a fifteen-minute recess. When we return, we're going to proceed with the original agreement and pretend this conversation never happened."

As we're walking out, I hear Derek trying to explain to his lawyer: "But the hair color could be a wig!"

We got divorced that day with the original terms. Derek had to pay my legal fees for the "frivolous accusations."

Six months later, I got a text from him: "I saw a brunette on there who looked like you. Just wanted to make sure it wasn't you."

Some people never learn.