Pathetic.The translation for the moniker of this sonata, and the way that I felt playing it.
Pathetic.
Attempt after attempt. Try after try. Measure after measure. Note after note. And none of them perfect or even well executed.
Pathetic.
After playing for years, I still can’t pull things together for a recording. Sure, maybe I’ve short-cycled my learning period from over 8 months to a bit over 2, but is that any excuse for putting out something unfinished, low-quality, and sloppy?
Pathetic.
Especially now that I have a community of people who actually listen to me play and look up to me as a musician. Well, here I am now: disorganized, messy, gimmicky.
Pathetic.
My tone is too heavy. The tremolos are uneven. I’m missing notes. I’m playing wrong notes all over the place. My counting is off. I can’t trill to save my life. I played a few clicks slower than what I wanted to and even practiced. Even my camera angle was off this time around. Weeks of practice for nothing.
Pathetic.
After well over an hour of recording even with a break, I finally decided that I was going to play this sonata exactly as I felt. This was the last resort: shut off the mind, only feel and trust the muscle memory to hold up if it would at all.
Pathetic.
And yet, maybe not so. Because while this performance would not fly at a competition or even a recital without harsh criticism, it’s one of the most raw performances that I’ve given on this channel to date. Even though there was no explicit story, the whole piece seemed to convey exactly what I was feeling in that moment, mistakes and all. The interpretation literally came as I was playing. And maybe that’s the beauty of even music like this: that even though there are better, more beautiful, more eloquent ways to express it, sometimes the messy, raw, disorganized jumble of a performance can say it, too.
Beautiful. Beautifully pathetic.
Beethoven is rolling in his grave. But right now, that’s fine by me.
Until next time.
- WattKeys
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*Just as an extra note, I know many of you will disagree with my negative assessment of my playing here, but I genuinely do feel frustrated and a bit upset with how things have been going. I can be a bit overly critical of myself (as we all are to some extent), but this one feels a bit different because the interpretation itself suffered quite a bit in my opinion.
#Beethoven #Pathetique #Piano #WattKeys
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